your voice is a gift

Yes, I'm back to that...
I've actually been dwelling on this thought for awhile now, why did God gift me with a voice if I was never going to use it?
Why is it so hard to follow through with convictions, take a stand for something, anything, believe you can actually make a difference?
I don't know for sure, but for me personally, I think it may be selfishness, maybe unintentional at that but still selfishness. If something is not right up in my face affecting me, I forget about it, I'm not driven to change. I'm not even talking about big things, even the smallest little things apply the same way.
So I read an article a few days ago that made me decide to not eat most brands of chocolate, because they are not fair trade. Children as young as five years old are working in the fields to supply us our chocolate addiction. (that is just me personally, the addicted part) So I decided I'm only going to eat chocolate that is not made this way, there is a list that I can't pronounce of chocolates that are OK to eat. I'm still looking into all this, I'm going to do some research, make some calls see what this is really all about, but until then I'm not going to eat it.
I know who cares, your not going to eat chocolate, I hope that at least with all the women that read this they understand this is a little bigger deal then it sounds, that is most ice creams i like, the good granola bars, hot cocoa, chocolate milk, mint chocolate is my absolute favorite standby, plus peanut butter and chocolate always makes a day better.
Most people never hear about this stuff and even when they do they are not impassioned to do anything about it because it's not in our face, it not affecting us, like recycling most people just choose not to do it, because it takes a little effort.
Maybe they pretend those giant landfills don't exist and that there are trash fairies that magically make our trash disappear once we put in on the curb...but the ugly truth is that we are destroying God beautiful creation buy covering it with our waste. If the town you lived in decided to put a landfill across the street from you house, I'm pretty sure this would motivate you to not let this happen, why because the ugly truth would be right in your face affecting you and your children.
That's exactly my point, it we had all the kindergarten kids we know across the street working twelve hours getting our precious cocoa for our chocolate fix, wouldn't you look at it different. Anyway these are my own personal convictions, and I'm taking some baby steps of my own. I've been clearing out my throat and now I'm going to start practicing with this voice God gave me.
These are small little convictions that motivate me to action, try and parallel this with your spiritual life, how God reveals something monumental to you, and boy are you fired up, you are going to change right now..and two days later you've entirely forgot about it...I don't want that to be me, so I figure I'll start small and hopefully this practice will carry over into other areas of my life, specifically spiritual convictions I may have.
(I don't profess to be up on politics or even a good debater, but I realise that this is a vicious cycle, we get fair wages to be implemented and age limits for when children can work our chocolate is going to cost more, which I personally think is not a bad thing. Maybe when that happens we'll just buy it as a treat and not overindulge, just a thought. I also don't want to be labeled a hypocrite, I know this sort of thing happens in many other areas, but I'm only human and I'm hoping every little baby step I take will start making a difference where these things stop happening all together)
So follow along on my little journey if you'd like, it might be interesting!

Still contemplating

So I escaped for a moment tonight, trying to regain some semblance of sanity, here follows some of my wondering thoughts on the way to the grocery store to buy snacks for lunches:
"The moon was absolutely breathtaking completely engulfed by a haze of harvest moonlight. When I take pause and look at the incomprehensible complexities of God's creation I am humbled that this God, my God cares about little old me...Enough so that he takes the time to direct my steps, he's my strength, my power-he alone maketh my way perfect. He is my strong tower, he alone is my constant!!! He will always care about little old me. How privileged I am to love a God such as this..."
So, I've been pondering this thought and it has been such a source of strength for me. I often times feel encouraged when I focus on God instead of myself.
I've been in Maryland about five weeks now and have been discouraged at times because things have not been progressing in a timely fashion, for me at least.
God has been convicting me about this, why am I not thankful for this pause, why do I let things get heavy and focus on the futures instead of embracing the present. God has probably intentionally Incorporated this pause in my life so I can grow with him and get strengthened...so often times I squander this precious time.
Why is it that the more time that goes by and things don't start falling into place that I start doubting my decision. When have things ever just fallen into place when I followed the Lord's leading, usually he wants to teach me something, and I'm stubborn and difficult and usually have to learn it again. I've been learning to take advantage of these opportunities, to dig down and get rid of the junk that is separating me from my God and to hold on tight.
Even though I still don't have a clue what God has planned for my immediate future, like a church home, employment, a house, Godly friends....I am starting to get excited. I am started to feel passionate again. I've been able to read so much her in Maryland that my mind feels alive, so active. I want to do things affect people, take a stand, be the voice that God created me to be, specifically, no one else can be my voice...watch out I'm clearing my throat!!!

A Princess Found

Just finished reading a wonderful book A Princess Found, I am going to attempt to tell you a little about it, definitely request it from you library if you have time.

I know I have many friends that try to stay informed about the rest of the world, and fight against the norm of getting stuck in their little bubble of life to busy to look left or right.

This book opens your eyes to the atrocities that took place during the eleven year civil war in war torn countries in Africa. It gives a glimpse of before and the after affects the ravages of the war waged on the people.

It also talks of a young girl that lives in West Virginia who was adopted when she was one, it weaves her life for us and the struggles she faced being biracial and adopted by a white family. How she meets her father in Sierra Leone and finally understands what it feels to be accepted by family and through that accepts the responsibility laid on her because now she knows.
This book really resonated with me, Sarah expressed her fears about meeting her birth father, even though I wasn't adopted I still did not get to know my birth father until I was a young woman. I remember the thoughts and fears I had so well and there were so many similarities.
You won't be disappointed with this book, it's an easy read, but at the same time challenges you to think, outside of what is comfortable to you.

Late night ramblings

This was the ending to a near perfect day, my son building a fire even though it was close to 90 degrees outside, and his mommy letting go and just letting him, even though all reason spoke against it. Well my family was coming over today by default really, two single men and a grandmother who is unable to host family get together s leaves this task to me which means I have to clean, clean, clean.
For months now I have been neglecting my fish, unable to just flush them down the toilet, that would just be too cruel, I just figured if over time they just died it would be easier down the road, if I move. So, I have not cleaned their tank for months, many days they have not been fed, still they thrive on. It was looking disgusting and since my family was coming I finally broke down today and cleaned their tank, I swear they seemed so happy swimming around actually being able to see.
I know this is a stupid analogy but it is something that I find so true in my life all too often. The more I leave things alone the better they seem to turn out.
When I first entered the world of being a pet owner, and yes by pet I am referring to fish, I did everything for them. I measured everything out, kept the tank at an even temperature, I even bought fish medicine for when they looked sick...no matter what I did they still died. When babies were born, I would put them in a little area protected from the bigger fish, so they could grow and make it on their own without being eaten. Still most of the time they died.
This past Christmas morning we found five baby fish swimming around in our little aquarium and I decided I was just going to leave them alone, guess what they are all still alive, their the ones I can't get to die.
Like my silly fish, some people do not thrive in a controlled environment...but I can say people and fish alike, the least amount of meddling on my part, the more positive the outcome.
This is something that I am trying to grasp as a mother with my son who is spreading his wings out further each day. I am learning that balance of letting him go down the big hill on his scooter, when I am not right there to catch him if he falls. Letting him build a fire, and if he get's burnt then he will be more careful next time. My repeated words over time are pretty futile in these circumstances. The experience is what is going to teach my child, it will leave the longest lasting impression. I have to let go at these times and let him learn this way even though it opens up so many more opportunities for him to hurt.
So yes, I did let my son cut our green beans today with his pocket knife, because this made him feel like somebody, this was a big deal to him, so I made a big deal out of it as well, even though deep down I'm still trying to get over the fact that my little boy has a pocket knife in his pocket.
My rather drawn out point is, it's going to happen, however it happens, so let it and be there for your child when they need you.
Ramblings from a young mother in the middle of the night...

Summer begins....

I love the sounds of summer...especially the sound of a little one knocking on the door asking if Izaak can come out and play. This means I have to go outside too, so I follow armed with a good book. This time it's about a young girl who grew up in the rubber capital of the world (Akron)..I'll let you know if it's any good.
As I read, without looking up I can hear the kids their laughter, you can just hear the fears and pressures from life melt away as they get further into what ever game their imagination takes them. Right now they are a family of dogs all barking uncontrollably. It keeps pulling me from my book, but I don't want to look up and invade, so with my head turned down I just continue to listen.
Our one neighbor spends most of her time with her grandparents that live behind us, her father just got released from prison, she was born very premature, she is older than Izaak by two years and he just towers over her...her eyes are continually crossed, but in her frailty physically she makes up in spunk, her zeal for life is contagious. She has two younger siblings that run around outside as well sometimes hours on end without anyone checking on them( that's why I stay outside).
The other neighbor boy is in middle school, his house is in disarray, his lawn is always about 6 weeks behind being mowed and their dog is always tied out back. I've lived here over three years and I have maybe seen his parents once. When he has friends over he can be a bully and cruel to the little kids.
Then you have my Izaak, who has had so much one on one attention, that he now thinks this is normal and comes to expect it, not appreciating the effort I put forth.
He loves to play, and will play with absolutely anyone!
As I sit and listen to these three kids play I realize they all come from different places and will most likely end up at different places, but right now there here together and nothing separates them. They are alike....all I hear is joy, unreserved unabashed joy and it warms my heart.
I still don't dare look up and intrude on these moments, but I'm glad I got to partake in them if only for a few moments...

Why do we expect so much from our children?

After talking with a good friend this week, the inside of my mind resembled a pin ball machine each thought building on the next in such fast precession that I finally broke down and decided I HAVE TO GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD, if for no other reason than to free up space for more...
Being a single mother of a brilliant(biased opinion) five year old boy, I have come to realize how much I truly expect out of him. But, when I look at the example I have modeled for him I myself am unable to obtain any of these same expectations. I have also noticed this is how our society operates as a whole!
Why do we expect so much from our children?
Why do we expect them to laugh all the time, take naps obediently, always want to share and use kind words? Why do we also expect them to never get cranky, not be hyper and eat everything we put before them? Why do we expect them to be able to handle a visit to the doctor or the dentist without being afraid with minimal amounts of crying? Why do we expect them to bounce back from a traumatic event so quickly?
Who told us to expect all these things from our children? Is this what our parents also expected out of us when we were young?
And, why do we feel the need to punish them when they are unable to meet this goal?
Yes, I do believe God put parents on the earth to lovingly and patiently raise their children up, but it seems to me that we expect so much from them, but let ourselves off the hook, almost always.
So of course I had to try and look at this through a child's eyes and what they possibly might be observing when they watch us.
As a parent or adults in general, these are a few scenario's that came to mind...
While driving someone cut's you off, how often do we tell our children, "see honey I'm just letting them cut in front of me because we really need to share the road and notice how I used such kind words"....never. But we expect children to innately want to share what is most precious to them and to be spouting kind words from their mouth, endlessly.
Imagine an adult who just had three cups of coffee, it's late and they are starting to get a little hyper because of the craziness of life or lack of sleep, can you even imagine the response if someone told them to "settle down stop being so hyper" or every time we got mad or were cranky, to have to sit in the corner or take a time out, we would just throw another fit, just like our children tend to do.
The only real difference I see when it comes to adults in this area, is that sometimes we show a little more tact before we throw our tantrum. We make excuses in our mind to make it OK, but when a child tries to reason with us we discount their excuse almost immediately. What a double standard we present.
I honestly feel like we should let our nation be run by our children, since we already expect more from them then we do from adults and politicians alike. Through all our misleading examples, they are more innately honest, their motives are more pure, they see the good in people just because...
Freely giving of their love....
I want to be more like our children....and maybe for a change see what they can teach me...